Although Lt. High and Obert had been in the
same unit for several weeks, they had never come into direct contact. Lt. High tried to
keep out of sight as much as possible by leading us on day-long marches into the woods,
while Obert stayed holed up in his private little rat's nest in the boiler room. It was
inevitable, however, that these two were bound to meet and we were just waiting for the
day. It happened one Sunday morning when Lt. High was headed for the mess hall and Obert
was returning to his rabbit warren.
Obert had long
since recovered from his bath and resumed his life of filth, plus a good coating of coal
dust and soot from his job as fireman. He was humming to himself as he strode past the
Lieutenant without the slightest recognition of his presence. Obert figured that since
being a fireman and an Acting PFC made him exempt from all other military duties, he
should also be exempt from having to salute officers.
Lt. High took
about three steps, and realizing that he had failed to received his customary salute,
turned and yelled at Obert, "Soldier, don't you know what you are supposed to do when
you meet an officer?"
wrinkled his fat brow and replied, "Jeez Lootenant, I don't know. I guess I'm
supposed to move over and get out of his way, so I don't knock him down, Snort-Snort,
supposed to salute him, that's what, and I demand a salute and proper respect."
Lootenant Jackass, Sir, if a salute is what you want, then here's a real salute for
you," replied Obert, shifting his weight to one foot, lifting the other leg and
letting fly with one of his better farts.
Lt. High was
furious. "My name is Lieutenant High and how dare you call me a jackass."
you're braying like a jackass, so I figured that I might as well call you one,"
your name, soldier? I'm putting your ass on report."
my ass on report, well here is a another report from my ass for you," said Obert, as
he shifted to the other foot and ripped off an even better one.
last time soldier, I'm ordering you to give me your name," demanded Lt. High.
Filpot," replied Obert.
any of that funny name shit with me, Soldier, I'm a lot smarter than that. What is your
Obert Finus Filpot," said Obert. "That's the only name I got, except that
everyone back home calls me Shoat."
Private Obert Finus Filpot, I'm placing you on report for insubordination and disrespect
to an officer and I'm giving you a direct order to remain in your barracks until I
personally release you. You will not leave the area of your bunk for any reason other than
to go to the latrine or mess hall," fumed Lt. High. "Do you understand what it
means to receive a direct order from an officer?"
so, Lootenant. You say that I ain't supposed to leave my bunk for no reason at all, except
to piss and eat?"
correct, and I will deal with you tomorrow morning with Captain Sanders," replied the
Lieutenant as he scribbled Obert's name on a piece of paper. "And, while you are at
it, go take a bath, you are a disgrace to the uniform!"
gotta take no baths, Lootenant. The doctors at the hospital said that I didn't have to
'cause the shock could kill me," replied Obert as he turned and headed for the boiler
Lt. High was nervously
pacing the floor of the Orderly Room, waiting to see Captain Sanders when he walked in.
"Captain, I have confined one of the enlisted men under house arrest and want to
bring him up on charges. He not only refused to salute me, but he called me a jackass and
farted at me; Twice!"
"So you are
the one who confined Filpot to his bunk," asked the Captain. Did you happen to notice
that it got awfully cold in the barracks last night and we didn't have any hot water this
I did, Sir, but what does that have to do with this situation?"
happens that the man whom you placed under house arrest is the one who keeps our boiler
and furnace fired. Since you told him not to leave his barracks, there wasn't anyone to
keep our furnace going last night. I heard about it this morning when I went to find out
why we had no heat."
case, I'll release him from house arrest so he can do his job, but I still want to punish
him for disrespect to an officer. I want him on KP for the next month," replied the
know if that would be such a good idea or not," replied the Captain. "The Mess
Sergeant threw his ass out of the kitchen because he was so filthy the first time that he
was on KP. How would you like to have him serving your food at the Officer's Table?"
Captain, we can't allow a man to get away with insubordination just because he is a filthy
hog. We will lose the respect of the other enlisted men. What can I do to punish
what, Lieutenant. Why don't you call him out in front of afternoon formation and strip him
of that Acting PFC armband that he wears. That should teach him a lesson."
"If that is
the only punishment that you will allow me to give to him, it will have to do,"
replied Lt. High as he left the office.
Jackass," muttered Captain Sanders. "If I could ship both him and Filpot out of
here, I'd raise the IQ of the unit a full 20 points. At least Filpot serves a useful
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